Screw the cough....run.

I still haven't stopped coughing. It's not as bad, but it's more like fits. I'm fine, walking along, doing my thing, *HACK COUGH HACK GAG HACK HACK HACK COUGH*, walking along doing my thing....

After a MONTH, yes a fucking MONTH, of coughing and feeling like shit, I finally just started running. My middle son has camp this week and I have to drop him off at an ungodly hour int he morning. Since my job is one of those fancy-pants high-tech things, and my hours are pretty late in the morning (comparatively speaking...I once worked from 7a-4p for three years and loved it), I have about an hour or so from getting home to having to leave for work. So, I decided yesterday morning to just start running in the mornings.

I really like the time alone when I'm running. I like getting lost in my music and just running/walking around the neighborhood. We live in a pretty neat part of town, and I enjoy looking at all the different houses and landscaping and silly stuff like that. Plus it's early in the morning and on the weekends there is practically no one around...it's nice.

Yesterday I was only able to run for about 10 minutes (and by run I mean doing week 1 of C25K), but this morning I got through 15 minutes before I couldn't handle it.  My lungs are clearly still healing from the infection, and my heart needs to strengthen back up (which won't take but maybe a week of running, I'm lucky that my heart seems to be pretty good/strong). I admit all the time that I don't *like* running. I like the time to myself and the being outdoors parts, but the actual act of running SUCKS. So, why do I do it? Why don't I just power walk or something? Because I know that if I go out there and power walk around, when I get back I'm going to beat myself up for not running while I was out there. I mean, I'm already out there! I'm 90% to being a runner...I have on running shoes, running shorts, a tank top, I have my iPhone in an arm band, I have music....now all I need to do is start running. That's it, that's all I have to do...run.

I have also started eating better...yesterday was a bowl of fruit for breakfast, a salad for lunch, a larabar when I got home, some nuts for dinner, and a peach for 'dessert'. The larabar and nuts should be replaced with more veggies, and tonight I think I'll d steamed veggies instead of nuts, but the larabar is my treat for now, so I'll wean myself off of it soon enough. Probably when I start feeling stronger and in better shape again.  Every time I get back into shape, I stop wanting to eat junk, it's AWESOME...the cravings go away and everything...just need to remember that, and go to the gym!!

Maybe I am Addicted.

There was a point last year where I wanted to be a Crossfit/Personal trainer. I had read so much about diet and exercise and fitness, I learned so much about food and nutrition--way more than any trainer I had ever employed knew about it.  I thought that was what I wanted to do. But then I realized it probably wasn't the most stable of career choices, and I kept going forward with my programming career, and decided to do the fitness stuff for myself, and any friends who wanted some help, on the side.
I don't know where it happened that I just totally fell off the deep end. It could have been at the point where I was in a VERY stressful situation at work with a buyout and an HR complaint and  a department transfer all at the same time--while looking for a new job and having multiple interviews and no offers. Or it could have been at the point that my legal woes started (which was a few months before the work woes), or maybe it was just a conglomeration of all of that plus regular life stresses and learning how to live with someone again and getting into a routine that was easy, and the path of least resistance. I suspect that last part has a lot to do with it, along with the first part---yeah.

At some point, however, I began eating junk food again. "Oh it's just a cookie! you can have ONE cookie!" A cookie which is the size of a salad plate and probably has the same number of calories as the whole MEAL that would be served WITH the salad plate(including salad). Or, when in the grocery store and saying "Man, I LOVE BBQ chips! I wish I had some RIGHT NOW!" you hear back "So get some BBQ chips, they're just chips." Yeah, totally.

But they aren't Just Chips. It's not Just Junk Food. It's not Just a cookie, or Just a Candy, or Just a Meal. It all adds up to a very real and scary problem--addiction. I am addicted to food.

I realized this when I originally lost all my weight. I understood that sugar and refined flour, potatoes, pasta, starches, etc. were all BAD. They were very very very bad. This is where the folks who have never had a weight problem say "They aren't bad in moderation--stop demonizing food!" Neither is wine, but try explaining MODERATION to an alcoholic. Also, even the skinny folks eat too much junk food--skinny fat, it's a real thing. But that's not what this entry is about. This entry is about MY addiction to food, and what it looks like and what it feels like.

When I started eating better, I STOPPED eating junk food. I avoided sugar like it was arsenic. Pasta--I never really cared for anyway, so it was easy to stay away from that. Bread--THE DEVIL! So, I didn't touch it, even 'whole grain' or 'sprouted' if it was bread, it was staying away from me. I didn't eat candy (I went a whole year not eating a snickers bar--I finally ate one at Halloween one year and it was the BEST thing I had ever put in my mouth...looking back I realize that nothing should taste that good, ever.), I didn't eat baked goods AT ALL, not even a 'low fat' muffin. I hung out at Starbucks, but I never touched their food, it was all POISON. I did eat potatoes on occasion, but that was only because sometimes the ONLY thing for me to eat were fucking french fries...which I did avoid those for over a year, but I went hungry a few times rather than eat fries alone.

I lived off of salads and fresh fruit, that's about it. And I felt FINE. Even though I had never worked out regularly in my life, I was working out 1-2 hours a day, 5 days a week, and I was FINE. I never felt rundown or tired or any of that. It probably had something to do with the 215lbs I was carrying, and most of that going to energy rather than my body not knowing what to use for energy.

However, one day that all changed. It was slow, of course. No one makes a huge lifestyle change, keeps it for 3 years and then says "ok, that was fun, now back to fast food and junk! WOO!" I mean, I'm sure SOME people do, but for me it was VERY VERY VERY gradual. It snuck up on me. "Oh, man am I hungry...hrm, the only thing in this place that I can eat is a muffin--oh well, I haven't had a muffin in....wow a year or more, I can totally eat a muffin." "Man, I really wish I could eat those chips, I miss potato chips...dang, it's been over a year since I've had chips, I can't even remember the last time! I can totally have those chips!" And it went on like that for almost every 'forbidden' food in my new diet. The problem was, I didn't eat the chips once and then never again. I ate them once, then a few months later ate them again ("Oh, it's been 3 months since I had chips that last time...I'm FINE!"). Eventually, I was eating chips for a week.

I admit, I'm not eating the massive amounts of food that got me to 265lbs. But I am eating A LOT. Way more than I actually need. And it's all bad for me food. Protein bars SOUND healthy, but we've already declared they are simply candy bars with a multi-vitamin...so eating three in 10 minutes is NOT HEALTHY. Not stopping eating when no longer hungry is another thing that I have stopped doing.  This one is interesting, as it happened just tonight that I figured out WHY I don't stop eating sometimes. I am being polite.

I know, I know. You're thinking "What? You overeating is somehow being POLITE?" Yep.  You'd be amazed at how many people are self-conscious of eating. They pay attention those around them that aren't doing what they're doing, and they realize that someone isn't joining in on the glutton. And then they start to think that something is wrong with THEMSELVES, and so they think the other person, who is refraining, is somehow better than they are. And then, THEY WILL SABOTAGE YOU. No, really, they will. It is a very real, very COMMON phenomena for folks who take their health and fitness and general well-being seriously...people try and sabotage your diet plan ALL THE TIME. In order to avoid this, to make it so that they CAN'T sabotage me, or point out how I don't eat like they do--or really, so I don't make them feel bad--I simply eat. I keep eating, or I eat what they eat (providing there is no meat). This way, they don't feel self-conscious, and I'm skinny, right? So I can afford to do it this once, I just won't eat a lot tomorrow.  The only problem is, when I indulge with them in ice cream, or cookies, or cupcake, or waffles, or sno cones, I trigger my addiction and then my brain begins to crave the sugar, fat, and salt. And so, the next time they eat that way, with me in tow, *I* eat that way. See the problem yet? Now make that other person someone you're around every meal or everyday and you can see the danger in this mindset.

So, what does one do?
"Oh, that's easy!" you say. "You just don't do that any longer. You eat what you want and fuck those people."  Yes, that is so simple, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!? Oh, right..I did think of that--after the fact. See, it's habit, it's something you do without thinking about it. So, by the time I realize I've eaten out of social pressure, I can't un-eat. I mean, I can but we call that bulimia, and I'm not really that kind of lady. So what do you do? You become more aware and you work on standing up for yourself, even silently, to not do things to make others feel comfortable--you cannot change others' feelings, you can only control your own.

I hope the 4th of July is good to you. Today, I am eating veggie burgers, with white buns, and american cheese, and potato salad, and maybe some BBQ Chips. I'm still working on getting over Whooping Cough fully, and have been eating pretty well the past few days, so I'm ok with having a very American holiday today. We did, however, put the creme cake back last night at the grocery store...it was a long process, and I had to hear from another person that I'm a food addict, and that I need to chill out. I needed to hear that.

I still believe this process is going to be tough, but I'm hoping to keep track of it here, and help myself along. One day I'll conquer food addiction fully and it'll be like smoking, I just won't want to eat that crap, ever.

You should Just Learn To Love Yourself!

I know you mean well, those of you who have uttered these words to another person (usually a woman). I get it, I really do! We should just learn to love ourselves and not self-shame and hate our bodies and be unhappy with every aspect of who we are. But you know what, that way of thinking borders on danger, I believe. If we start telling women who are 10, 20, 30 pounds overweight to not worry about how ig they are and if their thighs jiggle, then where does it stop? Where does it go from "You should just love your 130lb frame! Sure, it's the high end of normal, but you're still in the normal range!" to "You should just love yourself, and DON'T FAT SHAME! So you're 150lbs overweight, LOVE WHO YOU ARE!" Well, sure that last thing SOUNDS good, and it should be very easy seeing as you'll live a shorter lifespan (on average) than someone who maintains their weight and lives a healthy lifestyle.

Seriously, I think maybe we should start saying things like "Be healthy! If you don't like the way you look, that's just fine, because we can change that about ourselves! We have the technology!"

When I was pushing 300lbs, I would read articles by Oprah and Dr. Phil and all that jazz. They all said the same thing "Be the best you you can be! Love yourself! Accept who you are!" So, I did. I accepted the fact that I was fat. I was a fat, lazy woman who had 3 kids and a marriage, who was also incredibly unhappy. And so, I took this newfound knowledge and I did something about it. I worked on divorcing my husband, I started eating better, I began exercising. And soon, the weight started coming off and the true me started coming out. I was also, in the process, getting healthier and teaching my children healthier habits. But the best thing that I learned is that I do NOT have to just accept the fact that I was fat. NEITHER SHOULD YOU! NO ONE SHOULD BE TOLD TO JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THEY ARE FAT. That is a fatalist mentality and not constructive in the least. You are not resigned to being fat for the rest of your life. You can change, you can make positive changes in your life, small, TINY positive changes that help you to move forward and be a better you--a you that is so easy to accept that no one will have to tell you "You should just learn to love yourself!" After I lost all of my weight I never had a problem loving myself, hell, I think I might have been a bit too arrogant at times. And you know what...it was never any amount of work to 'love myself', it came naturally and most of all EASILY to me, as soon as I felt better physically and mentally...one led to the other.

So, please...the next time you hear an overweight person talk about how they don't like being overweight, please don't jump to tell them how they just need to learn to accept and love themselves...tell they are capable to be the person they want to be. If you are being the person you are, you won't have to learn how to love yourself, you just will.

As Soon As I'm Well...

I started the blog, I started getting motivated, I even went running early one morning! Then, I got whooping cough...or something that is eerily similar. At any rate, I just finished my antibiotics today and I'm still coughing and lethargic during the day...at night I just cough--a LOT, and can't sleep.  It's seriously starting to suck; all the coughing and lack of sleep. I eat whatever sounds good at the moment, which has been a lot of fruit and cheese and crackers. I try to eat a strict vegetarian diet when I can, but when I'm sick I just can't make myself care. I haven't been to the office in going on 2 weeks now, I won't be back until next week.  Not that any of that matters, because I start a new job in August, anyway.
But, back to my plans and the reason I started this silly blog in the first place...I plan to start running, and kickboxing...and if I can gather up enough courage, I'll go back to weight training twice a week. But, right now I want to lose this fat that has piled up around my middle. it's getting disgusting, and starting to show in my thighs, which can't afford to look any fatter than they already are (they're big to begin with).
Just as soon as I can stop coughing enough to go running, I swear I won't curse it...I promise that I'll just be happy that I can DO it, and hopefully not pass out from a coughing fit.

When it happens, the new schedule looks like this:

Monday: Kickboxing at lunch, possible run in the evening
Tuesday: Weight Training/Kickboxing at lunch, Run in evening
Wednesday: Kickboxing at lunch, possible run in the evening
Thursday: Weight Training/Kickboxing at lunch, Run in evening
Friday: Kickboxing at lunch, possible run in the evening
Saturday: Run in the morning/Calisthenics late-morning
Sunday: Run in the morning/ Swimming in afternoon


Food: Vegetables, Fruit, Quinoa 

Before--way before.

There once was a girl who decided to better herself. She started out a size 3X:

(sorry, no full body shots, I'm sure you can guess why)

Dec. 2006

that shirt is a 3X and was the only thing comfortable/fashionable I had to wear

Then, 6 months later she was an XL/1X and looked like this:

Things were getting better! Self confidence was blossoming, she wasn't as depressed and unhappy as she once was, and soon, she found Muay Thai...

Then she started looking like this:

April 2008

And This:

April 2008

And that was her skinniest, but not the peak of her fitness...that came later.

I think I'm getting to that point.

4 years ago I started eating better and exercising a little. Then my life blew up and I started eating REALLY WELL and exercising A LOT. I was going to school full-time, and didn't have many friends or other distractions, so it was super easy to just focus on fitness and health. Then, I got my first full-time job and my life started getting rebuilt, but that meant I didn't have as much time for fitness and the gym as I once did. I went from an absolute high of 264lbs, to an absolute low of 137lbs, to the current 167lbs. I need to get rid of this 30lbs. I can stay in the upper 140's pretty easily, but here lately I'm in the upper 160's and can't get out.
That is because I am addicted to food. No, really, I am. Like an alcoholic needs his drink, I need sugar. I need sugar and carbs and salt and fat. Doughnuts? That's like the epitome of my downfall--so much so that I pretty much just refuse to eat them. But, that doesn't mean I don't give in to the stupid marketing tactic of 'protein' or 'energy' bars. Those are, my friends, FUCKING CANDY BARS.
"oh look! it's organic whole grain rolled oats! And organic chocolate, and organic brown rice syrup! That's better than milk chocolate and high-fructose corn syrup!" NO IT IS NOT. IT ISN'T. I PROMISE. You may as well eat a fucking snickers bar and take a multi-vitamin, because that's all that is going on there.  However, my brain...my brain won't let me NOT eat it. I give in to the craving, I say "eh, I lost 100lbs! I can eat this fuckin' thing!" What? You did something awesome for yourself so you can totally punish yourself????
Yes, that is how my brain is currently working. It didn't always work that way, though.

Back when I was 137lbs;

• I rarely ate--ONLY when hungry and ONLY to the point of not being actively hungry any longer.
• I ate as close to raw as possible--Restaurant food was strictly salads, I could control what I ate from a salad, as I could see what all was in it. You CANNOT control a cooked meal, they can hide sugar and a ton of other bad for you things in there!
• I exercised as much as possible--I'd be depressed about something, or bored, and I'd go ride my bike, or run stairs. I regularly worked out with a group of friends on Sunday. When I got back to the gym, I was there every evening, sometimes for 2+ hours!

And that's it. That is ALL I did. I didn't find some long, lost secret that led to my miraculous weight loss. I simply ate right and exercised. I stopped eating refined sugar, or manufactured food (save salad dressing and the occasional granola bar for lunch during finals). I also wasn't 21 here. It sounds that way, since I mention being in college. No, I was 30 and had given birth (naturally) to three children, and been big and fat through my 20's. Luckily for me, I came to my senses before I hit 30 and started eating better and exercising very little, right before I hit 30.

So, what changed? What is different now that I am eating like shit, barely exercising again, dreading the gym and any form of physical exertion? I don't know.

Over the past 3 years I have enjoyed the gym. I even hired a personal trainer and learned how to lift weights which I found was INCREDIBLY fun. So why is it that now I just don't wanna? I'm really hoping that I can discover that through this medium of writing and reading and sharing my journey to find fitness again. Because I really like it when I'm fit and trim and energetic. I really don't like being fat and unhappy.

Coming up: Before and after pictures along with current pictures...we're gonna get some goddamn accountability up in this mutha.

What?

I'm working on setting up my own blog on my own domain, but for the time being I need to write some shit down. So, let's get on with this whole 'Beefcake is overrated' thing, 'cause really--it's overrated.