I think I'm getting to that point.

4 years ago I started eating better and exercising a little. Then my life blew up and I started eating REALLY WELL and exercising A LOT. I was going to school full-time, and didn't have many friends or other distractions, so it was super easy to just focus on fitness and health. Then, I got my first full-time job and my life started getting rebuilt, but that meant I didn't have as much time for fitness and the gym as I once did. I went from an absolute high of 264lbs, to an absolute low of 137lbs, to the current 167lbs. I need to get rid of this 30lbs. I can stay in the upper 140's pretty easily, but here lately I'm in the upper 160's and can't get out.
That is because I am addicted to food. No, really, I am. Like an alcoholic needs his drink, I need sugar. I need sugar and carbs and salt and fat. Doughnuts? That's like the epitome of my downfall--so much so that I pretty much just refuse to eat them. But, that doesn't mean I don't give in to the stupid marketing tactic of 'protein' or 'energy' bars. Those are, my friends, FUCKING CANDY BARS.
"oh look! it's organic whole grain rolled oats! And organic chocolate, and organic brown rice syrup! That's better than milk chocolate and high-fructose corn syrup!" NO IT IS NOT. IT ISN'T. I PROMISE. You may as well eat a fucking snickers bar and take a multi-vitamin, because that's all that is going on there.  However, my brain...my brain won't let me NOT eat it. I give in to the craving, I say "eh, I lost 100lbs! I can eat this fuckin' thing!" What? You did something awesome for yourself so you can totally punish yourself????
Yes, that is how my brain is currently working. It didn't always work that way, though.

Back when I was 137lbs;

• I rarely ate--ONLY when hungry and ONLY to the point of not being actively hungry any longer.
• I ate as close to raw as possible--Restaurant food was strictly salads, I could control what I ate from a salad, as I could see what all was in it. You CANNOT control a cooked meal, they can hide sugar and a ton of other bad for you things in there!
• I exercised as much as possible--I'd be depressed about something, or bored, and I'd go ride my bike, or run stairs. I regularly worked out with a group of friends on Sunday. When I got back to the gym, I was there every evening, sometimes for 2+ hours!

And that's it. That is ALL I did. I didn't find some long, lost secret that led to my miraculous weight loss. I simply ate right and exercised. I stopped eating refined sugar, or manufactured food (save salad dressing and the occasional granola bar for lunch during finals). I also wasn't 21 here. It sounds that way, since I mention being in college. No, I was 30 and had given birth (naturally) to three children, and been big and fat through my 20's. Luckily for me, I came to my senses before I hit 30 and started eating better and exercising very little, right before I hit 30.

So, what changed? What is different now that I am eating like shit, barely exercising again, dreading the gym and any form of physical exertion? I don't know.

Over the past 3 years I have enjoyed the gym. I even hired a personal trainer and learned how to lift weights which I found was INCREDIBLY fun. So why is it that now I just don't wanna? I'm really hoping that I can discover that through this medium of writing and reading and sharing my journey to find fitness again. Because I really like it when I'm fit and trim and energetic. I really don't like being fat and unhappy.

Coming up: Before and after pictures along with current pictures...we're gonna get some goddamn accountability up in this mutha.